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Category Archives: Great Moments in Dungeons and Dragons

Great Moments in D&D ep III

The Dungeons and Dragons saga continues –

 

Dungeon Master: A rotting, shambling humanoid approaches you slowly.  It looks up in your direction and croaks nonsense.

Fighter: (croakily) Nonsense.

Cleric: I turn it.

Rogue: Wait, if it can talk, maybe we shouldn’t dispatch it.

Magic User: You’re new here, aren’t you?  Kill it.

Paladin: Why did it say “nonsense”?

Fighter: (croakily) Nonsense.

Dungeon Master: It didn’t say “nonsense”,  it’s just croaking nonsense.

Fighter: (croakily) Nonsense.

Cleric: I turn it.

Paladin: It croaked “nonsense”?

Fighter: (croakily) Nonsense.

Dungeon Master: Yes.

Paladin: I say “nonsense” back to it.

Dungeon Master: What exactly would you like to say it?

Paladin: “Nonsense”.

Fighter: (croakily) Nonsense.

Dungeon Master: OK.  You say “nonsense” and it continues gibbering to itself.

Magic User: I think at least one of you is failing your INT checks.

Rogue: This is starting to feel like “Who’s on first?”

Cleric: What?

Rogue: No, “What”‘s on second.

Dungeon Master: Let’s start this encounter again.

Magic User: Why?

Dungeon Master: Stop it.

Great Moments in D&D ep II

More great moments in Dungeons and Dragons

 

DM: A man approaches you, he…

Party: Kill him.

DM: A woman approaches you, she…

Party: Kill her.

Fighter: Is she hot?

Magic User: Not again.

Rogue: I kill her while the fighter flirts.

DM: OK… ummm… crap. (throws notes away). A person wearing a big hat that says “friendly” approaches you and…

Party: Definitely kill him.

DM: But he’s wearing a friendly hat.

Cleric: Only the devil wears a hat like that.

DM: Fine.
—————————————————————————–

(Next Session after losing all NPCs to party kills, the DM introduces his girlfriend to the group to get her started in the world of gaming.)

DM: OK, this is Girlfriend. Be nice, she’s never played before so please help her with dice and such.

Girlfriend: Hi!

Party: Hello! Do we just meet her in the tavern?

DM: Sure.

Fighter: OK, put her in the back so she doesn’t get hurt.

Cleric: Yeah, we’ll go Fighter, Rogue, Cleric, Magic User, Girlfriend.

Party: OK

DM: Alright, you’re heading up a twisting trail when suddenly you’re attacked by bandits.

Party: Kill ’em.

DM: How?

Fighter: I run off and engage in melee.

Rogue: I flank the fighter’s targets.

Magic User: I ready a fireball for the leader when he appears.

Cleric: I standby with heals.

Girlfriend: I drink my potion of haste, cast silence 15′ radius on the Magic User’s shoe and backstab the Cleric with my poisoned dagger.

Magic User: No, you’re supposed to attack the… oh crap.

DM: You’re silenced, shut up. Cleric roll a save or die.

Cleric: I’m dead.

Fighter: Wait, what the crap!?

Magic User: I cast my fireball a her!

DM: Nothing happens, you’re Charlie Chaplin.

Rogue: Can I run back to attack her?

DM: Sure.

Rogue: I fire my bow!

DM: She uses her Gauntlets of Snaring and catches them, laughing.

Girlfriend: Ha, ha! Like that?

DM: Yes.

Girlfriend: Ha, ha!

Fighter: What’s happening with my fight?

DM: A dozen bandits converge on you.

Fighter: No problem for me and my +5 sword.

DM: You mean the one that Girlfriend successfully pick-pocketed off you in the tavern?

Fighter: I hate you.

Rogue: I surrender.

Girlfriend: Weakling, called shot to the groin with a poisoned dagger throw.

Rogue: I’m… yep, dead.

Fighter: I draw my other sword.

DM: Which one would that be?

Fighter: Well I have five and it’s on my sheet…. somewhere… I have it. We found it last week… remember, that one… it’s in party loot.

DM: You have a scabbard full of party loot?

Fighter: Just kill me.

Girlfriend: That’s a coup de grace!

DM: Good session everyone. Now stop killing all my NPCs without reason. Go play Gauntlet if you want that.

Girlfriend: Can I play again next week?

Party: NO!!!

(true story)

Great Moments in D&D ep. I

True Dungeons and Dragons transcript–

 

Dungeon Master: As you enter the town, you come across a strange sight. There is a man fishing in the well in the town square. He looks like he might be a bit… disturbed.

Fighter: I throw him in.

Dungeon Master: Really?

Fighter: Yup.

Paladin: So how many quests am I going to have to complete to “unscrew” this with my god?

Dungeon Master: I’m not sure, that guy was supposed to be a key part of THIS quest.

Fighter: If his quest was to find the bottom of the well, he accomplished it.

Wizard: I disbelieve.

Dungeon Master: Sorry, your fighter doesn’t disappear. A DIFFERENT person comes walking towards your party, keen to talk to you it appears.

Fighter: I throw…

Wizard: SLEEP the fighter.

Priest: SILENCE the fighter.

Rogue: I backstab the fighter.

Dungeon Master: Break time!

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