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The Deck of Many (Mean) Things

Here’s the first incarnation of a new feature on the site. I don’t have a clever name for it yet, but it’s a panel strip featuring our heroes as Lego warriors… and some of their woes.

Who hasn’t run into this scenario? Players can’t resist the temptation that is the Deck of Many Things!


Great Moments in D&D ep III

The Dungeons and Dragons saga continues –


Dungeon Master: A rotting, shambling humanoid approaches you slowly.  It looks up in your direction and croaks nonsense.

Fighter: (croakily) Nonsense.

Cleric: I turn it.

Rogue: Wait, if it can talk, maybe we shouldn’t dispatch it.

Magic User: You’re new here, aren’t you?  Kill it.

Paladin: Why did it say “nonsense”?

Fighter: (croakily) Nonsense.

Dungeon Master: It didn’t say “nonsense”,  it’s just croaking nonsense.

Fighter: (croakily) Nonsense.

Cleric: I turn it.

Paladin: It croaked “nonsense”?

Fighter: (croakily) Nonsense.

Dungeon Master: Yes.

Paladin: I say “nonsense” back to it.

Dungeon Master: What exactly would you like to say it?

Paladin: “Nonsense”.

Fighter: (croakily) Nonsense.

Dungeon Master: OK.  You say “nonsense” and it continues gibbering to itself.

Magic User: I think at least one of you is failing your INT checks.

Rogue: This is starting to feel like “Who’s on first?”

Cleric: What?

Rogue: No, “What”‘s on second.

Dungeon Master: Let’s start this encounter again.

Magic User: Why?

Dungeon Master: Stop it.

Great Moments in D&D ep II

More great moments in Dungeons and Dragons


DM: A man approaches you, he…

Party: Kill him.

DM: A woman approaches you, she…

Party: Kill her.

Fighter: Is she hot?

Magic User: Not again.

Rogue: I kill her while the fighter flirts.

DM: OK… ummm… crap. (throws notes away). A person wearing a big hat that says “friendly” approaches you and…

Party: Definitely kill him.

DM: But he’s wearing a friendly hat.

Cleric: Only the devil wears a hat like that.

DM: Fine.

(Next Session after losing all NPCs to party kills, the DM introduces his girlfriend to the group to get her started in the world of gaming.)

DM: OK, this is Girlfriend. Be nice, she’s never played before so please help her with dice and such.

Girlfriend: Hi!

Party: Hello! Do we just meet her in the tavern?

DM: Sure.

Fighter: OK, put her in the back so she doesn’t get hurt.

Cleric: Yeah, we’ll go Fighter, Rogue, Cleric, Magic User, Girlfriend.

Party: OK

DM: Alright, you’re heading up a twisting trail when suddenly you’re attacked by bandits.

Party: Kill ’em.

DM: How?

Fighter: I run off and engage in melee.

Rogue: I flank the fighter’s targets.

Magic User: I ready a fireball for the leader when he appears.

Cleric: I standby with heals.

Girlfriend: I drink my potion of haste, cast silence 15′ radius on the Magic User’s shoe and backstab the Cleric with my poisoned dagger.

Magic User: No, you’re supposed to attack the… oh crap.

DM: You’re silenced, shut up. Cleric roll a save or die.

Cleric: I’m dead.

Fighter: Wait, what the crap!?

Magic User: I cast my fireball a her!

DM: Nothing happens, you’re Charlie Chaplin.

Rogue: Can I run back to attack her?

DM: Sure.

Rogue: I fire my bow!

DM: She uses her Gauntlets of Snaring and catches them, laughing.

Girlfriend: Ha, ha! Like that?

DM: Yes.

Girlfriend: Ha, ha!

Fighter: What’s happening with my fight?

DM: A dozen bandits converge on you.

Fighter: No problem for me and my +5 sword.

DM: You mean the one that Girlfriend successfully pick-pocketed off you in the tavern?

Fighter: I hate you.

Rogue: I surrender.

Girlfriend: Weakling, called shot to the groin with a poisoned dagger throw.

Rogue: I’m… yep, dead.

Fighter: I draw my other sword.

DM: Which one would that be?

Fighter: Well I have five and it’s on my sheet…. somewhere… I have it. We found it last week… remember, that one… it’s in party loot.

DM: You have a scabbard full of party loot?

Fighter: Just kill me.

Girlfriend: That’s a coup de grace!

DM: Good session everyone. Now stop killing all my NPCs without reason. Go play Gauntlet if you want that.

Girlfriend: Can I play again next week?

Party: NO!!!

(true story)

Great Moments in D&D ep. I

True Dungeons and Dragons transcript–


Dungeon Master: As you enter the town, you come across a strange sight. There is a man fishing in the well in the town square. He looks like he might be a bit… disturbed.

Fighter: I throw him in.

Dungeon Master: Really?

Fighter: Yup.

Paladin: So how many quests am I going to have to complete to “unscrew” this with my god?

Dungeon Master: I’m not sure, that guy was supposed to be a key part of THIS quest.

Fighter: If his quest was to find the bottom of the well, he accomplished it.

Wizard: I disbelieve.

Dungeon Master: Sorry, your fighter doesn’t disappear. A DIFFERENT person comes walking towards your party, keen to talk to you it appears.

Fighter: I throw…

Wizard: SLEEP the fighter.

Priest: SILENCE the fighter.

Rogue: I backstab the fighter.

Dungeon Master: Break time!

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