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The History of Thanksgiving (For Reals)

With the coming holiday, I think it’s important to know the true story of just what we’re actually celebrating.  As such, I give you…

The First Thanksgiving Part 1: A Lesson in Sticks and Violence
(originally written for PostHumorous.org 11/2010)

A lot of people in this country have forgotten the truth behind the great American holiday of Thanksgiving.  Most people are still attached to the mythology they were taught in elementary school where a bunch of people dressed in big black hats and shiny buckles arrived in the New World with Chris Columbus in 1812.  Folks like to remember the idea that the Puritans had fled England due to fights other Puritans to make their way in the wilds of coastal Virginia, Delaware, and Kentucky.  They remember how the colonists were starving during their first winter and their dirt houses were a mess, but fortunately encountered some Indians.  After killing the Indians and taking their stuff, the Puritans gave Thanks to Puritan Jesus for helping them kill the Indians and get corn on the cob.  This is what we were taught in school… but this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Here’s what really happened.  Ladies and Gentlemen… (drum roll)  I give you… the First Thanksgiving.

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